Sunday, February 24, 2013

Sue me

I just got done laying down with Cash for a few minutes. He has frequent nightmares and a little snuggling/playing with my hair always lulls him back to sleep.  It doesn't seem like so long ago that I was a little girl, laying in my big girl bed, having nightmares just like his. I can remember being terrified to take naps because I was afraid the "bad dream man" would come. I'm sure my sister can remember hearing stories about the bad dream man when we shared bunk beds. I made her be quiet as I gave him a stern talking to in my mind, trying to persuade him not to send bad dreams. Sad when you think about it. Especially when I see Cash going through the same thing. I hate that he has bad dreams, but I LOVE being the nurturing comfort he calls for to lay with him a while.

Almost everytime I lay with or hold one of my boys as they sleep for any length of time, I begin to get teary. Whether I'm thinking of how much they've grown, or how much growing they have yet to do. I have been thinking more and more about Cash going to school in a few years, and am always very depressed at the thought. I become very anxious and sick to my stomach thinking about the separation.  I can remember the first day of school as a kid, and how exciting the experience was to go to a new classroom, meet your teacher and classmates, find your desk and finally use the new school supplies that I was always so anxious to put to work. To this day a blank piece of college ruled paper entralls me. I can remember coming home from that first day thinking, "That was fun," and then the inevitable drop in your stomach when you realize..."I have to go back tomorrow...and the next day...and the next."  Even as a child, I HATED not having my freedom. I think that's why I hate the thought of Cash going to school. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is scared? What if he gets there, likes it for a few minutes and wants to come home? What if he misses me? What if he's crying and no one will let him call me to come get him? I realize most of these worries are premature, as he just turned 3 and has a few more years before I really have to worry about these things. The problem is, time isn't slowing down. In fact, it feels like its speeding up.  I look at the pictures covering Cash's bulletin board of when he was a little baby. When he just started crawling, and at his 1st birthday party when I was 5 weeks pregnant with Beckett.  I look at Beckett and see him run across the front yard. I see him being more independent, and wanting to do things that Cash does. I see Cash pick up his plate after dinner, walk it to the trash can, clear it, and put it in the sink. I hear him ask me for a "big boy cup with no lid, please" instead of his sippy cup. I see Beckett wanting to run out the front door and race Cash to the tree in the front yard that they always insist on touching before we go to run errands.  Time is flying, and I know it will only get faster. 

It is not lost on me that these days are fleeting. I don't take any of it for granted.  I was sitting here, in my bed last night thinking, "This is what I've waited for." Every hope and dream and ambition for the future that I had growing up has culminated into this moment right now. Wife. Mother. That's what I have always wanted. I know that's not popular to say this day in age, but its true. I also know that these days won't be around forever, and that one day my role as "mother" will be vastly different from what it is today. There will be a lot less daily need from me, and I'll take on the role of safety net, and advisor.  And that's ok. But with every baby step into their independence, I have a strange blend of happiness and pride for their achievement, and sadness for just another thing that they don't need me for. 

Its funny to me now when I watch a movie, with some underlying plot of a teenager needing to spread his or her wings. You almost always hear someone say, "Mom, you need to learn to let go a little bit."  Now as a parent, I think to myself, "Pshh, what an IDIOT!" I'm sure I will hear that same line spoken to me by one of my children someday, and I'm sure I'll be thinking that same response in my head. Don't they remember the days when I changed their diapers, and cleaned up after them, and took them fun places, and worried about what they ate and how I consciously tried to make every moment they needed to be held and nurtured the most calming and "unscary" place they could ever imagine, and how I put a lot of thought into how I can shape them into decent, Christian young men.  I don't think its possible to realize, until you have children, how much of their soul that your parents pour into you.  I feel like everything I have, mind, body and soul is wrapped around my three (Colt, included) boys.  Thankfully, Colt I can hold on to until one of us dies, but one day I'm going to have to let go of the other two. And tonight, that thought makes me a little teary eyed, and queasy. Sue me.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

An Interview with Cash at 2 1/2 years old

What is your favorite color?
-  "Green, Blue and Red"

What is your favorite movie?
-  "Hop and The Muppets"

What is your favorite song?
-  "Pokerface" by Lady GaGa or "Settle Down" by No Doubt

Where is your favorite place to play?
-  "Monkey Bizness"

Who do you love to play with?
-  "Sydney, Ashlyn, Aunt Tara and Uncle Chase"

What is your favorite thing to do?
-  "Play in a band"

What is your favorite thing to wear?
-  "My tie"

What is your favorite drink?
-  "An icee and a cookie...I like that"(what he gets when he is good at the mall)

Can you tell me a story?
-  "Once umma time, there's a girl name Michelle and she walks to Mammy's house. She gets her jammas on."

Friday, August 17, 2012

"Sparkly Eyes"

Just thought I'd share a little story about something that happened today that made me smile. I tear up every time I think about it. It might be one of those things that only a mother would boo hoo over, but I love it.

Cash, Beckett and I were going into the playroom tonight before bed. Cash was watching Beckett as he crawled into the room. He stopped what he was doing and said, "Mama, I like Baby Bear's eyes. They are sparkly."  I just thought it was so sweet that he noticed that, because Beckett does have very big, sparkly eyes...

As evidenced in his "first birthday pictures". I won't post these on Facebook until it gets closer to his birthday, but I thought I'd give a preview to all my faithful blog followers...both of you. :)

What a sweetieface!


Monday, August 13, 2012

My best days

Some days, even with all the stresses and the plans that fell through, and the chores that didn't get done, and the unproductive time that was wasted are still too good, that even the thought of life changing in the smallest measure makes you sick to your stomach in a weird way.

There are so many days that I look around my house and think about all the things that need to get done.  I wonder, besides sheer exhaustion some of the time, what prevents me from doing them? Maybe if my husband wasn't so fun to be around, even doing nothing with, I would want to do more chores.  Not a bad reason to have a messy house. That's love. That's lucky.

Sometimes even folding laundry, like I did tonight can make me choke up as I look at all the clothes that my boys have grown out of.  Some things which they may have only worn once or twice, and now are too small. 

Sometimes I feel like I pour my soul into these boys every minute of everyday, and that there would be no way I could muster even one more ounce of love for them out of my body.

I become increasingly obsessed with photographing or videotaping everyday events, so as not to forget Beckett's "angry face" or the way he looks at his brother when Cash is singing his heart out on top of the toy storage in the playroom, or Cash's sense of humor and toddler speech impediment. I don't want to forget anything. 

As does everything, life changes and my boys will not always be little. Colt and I will not always be young. I know we will go on to find new richness in life at different stages. Right now, I am so thankful for right now. These days are my best days yet.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Moe Clark 7/03'-7/12'

We didn't really want to post anything about this originally, but since people ask so often about our sweet dog Moe, we thought we would get it out in the open so we don't have to relive the conversation over and over again.  Our dog, Moe, who just turned 9 years old passed away this morning. He was very sick the last few weeks, and we had him on several different medications (administering mediciation 5 times a day) but nothing was helping, and Colt and I realized we needed to do something before he began to suffer.
Everyone thinks that their dog is exceptional, but Moe really was. Colt was a bachelor living by himself in a condo when he got Moe as a puppy. Colt was lonely living in the condo by himself, and Moe was the companion that his life was missing. Two years later Colt and I met.  Moe immediately took to me, and when I would come over to Colt's house when we were dating, Moe would jump up in my lap like he was a little lap dog. He accompanied Colt to Orlando when Colt would come to visit me at UCF, and to Clearwater when I would come home. After we were married, Moe moved from the chair that he used to sleep in on Colt's side of the bed, to sleep at my feet everynight. It became a joke between Colt and I that everytime Colt even "play hit me" or gave me a bear hug, Moe would jump on him and bark. When I was prengnat with Cash, he used to lay his head on my belly and let Cash kick him. When Cash was born, he was no longer my dog, or Colt's dog. He was all about Cash.  He followed him around the house all day long. He would follow him in the backyard when Cash had just started crawling and playing in the grass. Cash shared his lunch with Moe everyday (no matter how many times we told him not to!).  For every bite he took, he gave Moe one.  When Beckett was born, he would sit in the playroom with both boys and watch them while they played. He was in the room when Cash crawled for the first time, and when Beckett pulled himself up standing for the first time. He was a huge part of our family.
 
At every stage of his life, and ours, he was exactly what we needed him to be. To Colt, a friend and companion when he was alone. To me, my first "baby" and the first life I felt responsible for. For Cash and Beckett, a playmate, and protector.  We will miss him terribly but are so thankful for all that he was to our family.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Catching Up

Alright, so there is no way that I'm ever going to catch up at this point.

 Beckett is now 10 months old.  He has been crawling like a mad man since about 8 months, and has been pulling himself up on everything for a while now.  He says, "Mamamama", "Dadadada", "WHOA", "WOW" and "Baba" (aka Bye Bye).  He loves to wave bye bye to people, give high fives and clap.  He really loves music just like Cash.  They dance in the backseat all the time.  His current fav is "Call Me Maybe" by some forgettable pop star.  He digs almost anything with a good beat.  He isn't the best eater, as he loves to hoard chewed up table food in his cheeks until he feels its time to spit it out making a big noise, and an even bigger mess. Cash LOVES when he does this.  Beckett loves Cash and always wants to be wherever he is.  Its very cool to see them play with each other, and laugh at each other.  We just moved Beckett out of our room and into his crib a few nights ago.  I have kept him in his crib most of the night, but let him come sleep with me when he wakes up in the early morning hours (5am+).  He has one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen and the most beautiful eyes.  He has a fiery temper and is already throwing temper tantrums, which is naughty, but I kind of love.  No one can ever say that my boys don't have "spirit".  :) We call him a variety of different nicknames ranging from Baby Bear (what we call him most often), Beckett J, Beckett Boy, etc.  He HATES the car with a passion and that is where most of his temper tantrums occur.  Besides that, he is really a very sweet boy, and loves to be close to Colt and I. 

Cashman is a fireball.  He is 2 1/2 now (30 months to be exact) and is all over the place all day long.  He speaks very well now, almost a little too well. :) He still LOVES music. The other day I asked him what his favorite music was and he said, "I love The Stones, Tom Petty, Pokerface Lady Gaga, Superbass..."Yep, he likes Nicki Minaj (the edited version of course).  He also loves girls. Today we were sitting in Panera Bread eating lunch, and a pretty young college student walked in. He stopped what he was doing to watch her walk across the room, and then looked at me and said, "Pretty lady!" He loves to point out the "pretty girls" and "pretty ladies".  Should make for a fun time when he's a teenager. Ugh!  There are literally countless stories I could tell about how funny he is.  He is truly hysterical.  For instance, a few weeks ago when we were visiting Emilee's boyfriend, Nick's church and he had to go to their bible class. I sat in there with he and Beckett to make sure they didn't freak out being in a new environment.  Half way through one of the teacher's songs where she asked what did the "B-I-B-L-E" spell, Cash turns to me and says, "I don't like this church...This church scary!" Yep. That was a fun one to explain.  He is so full of energy, and loves to do anything outside, go to the rec center for open gym, swim etc. etc. etc.  He is still really into Sesame Street and Elmo, but also loves Toy Story (aka Buzz and Woody), Despicable Me (aka Funny Nose), Shrek, Rio and Tangled.  He was watching Rapunzel brush her hair on Tangled the other day and he said, "Like, Mama's hair." Sweet boy!

Well I suppose that catches you up on them for now.

Colt had an amazing opportunity tonight.  He played at the Don Cesar earlier this week, and The Dave Matthews Band and crew just so happened to be staying there.  A lot of the crew, and sound guys came out to sit by the pool where Colt plays, and he entertained them for several hours.  After his show, one of the crew guys that had been with the band for 11 years asked Colt if he had tickets to the show. He said he didn't, and the guy offered to take him backstage to sit with him.  Colt was over the moon obviously.  He said that he could bring me if he wanted, but we moved the boys into different rooms/beds at the beginning of the week, and I didn't want to throw off our progress by being gone from 5pm until around midnight. Plus I am still nursing Beckett so that wouldn't have worked anyway.  Colt got to go backstage, hang out with the crew, and meet Dave and the band.  The sax player had heard Colt out on the patio of the Don, and said that he had a beautiful voice and really enjoyed his music.  Colt left them with a few CDs, and the crew member that brought him in said he would pass them along and get them in the right hands.  Only time will tell, but it was a great opportunity either way!

I am still doing my photography business, and getting ready to branch out in some new and exciting ways.  Stay tuned on that.  I have a lot of things in the works.  Mostly, I am enjoying being home with Colt and the boys everyday.  They keep me busier than two full time jobs would. Haha!

So that's it for now.  Sorry this post wasn't witty, or organized.  I literally typed my words as they popped into my head.  When you time manage, and organize in your head all day long, the last thing you want to do when your kids go to sleep is more of the same.  Talk to you soon!










Monday, March 19, 2012

Oh, hi there!

I KNOW, I KNOW! Its been a while. I've been busy! :) This is going to be a quick update post just filling everyone in on the boys and their latest milestones/fun facts. This post is likely to have many spelling errors and will probably not be grammatically correct.

As for Mama and Daddy, we are doing great. It took a few weeks to get into our groove with two kiddies, but we have it down now. We still don't have strict schedules for either one of them. Everything depends on what we have to do that day as to when they nap. They are both happy, growing boys! The transition from 0-1 baby was A LOT harder than it was from 1-2. I don't know why exactly, but the delivery, hospital experience, and bringing him home all went so smoothly. I know it was all those prayers!

Thank you to everyone for reading our blog, and forgiving me for not posting for about a half a year now! Haha! Hopefully I'll be able to post more often. I'm hoping to shoot Cash's 2 year pictures, and Beckett's 6 month pictures this week! Thanks for reading!!!

**Special thanks to Jess Chamblee for motivating me to write again!**

Cash at 26 months
- Talks all the time and is able to have conversations. Sometimes its hard for others to understand him, but Colt and I can almost always understand what he's saying. If you listen closely, you'll get it.
- Loves Elmo and all the Sesame Street characters
- His favorite things to do are to go to the park, the mall for a "cookie and icee" and play in the "play place", go to Busch Gardens, or visit family
- He loves playing with other kids, especially the kids in his family.
- He loves anything to do with stairs, especially jumping off of them.
- He has proven to be a real "dare devil" and wants to try anything that looks like it could be exciting
- His favorite movies are Shrek, and Rio but he also loves any Sesame Street or Elmo movie
- He weighs around 28-29 lbs.
- He is SO strong willed, and needs a lot of discipline at times, but I love his personality and his "fire". He reminds me a lot of myself. Heaven help me. Haha!
- He loves Oatmeal and Pop Tarts for breakfast (although he isn't supposed to have Pop Tarts, Daddy feeds them to him sometimes), he is really picky about lunch but he'll always eat whole grain pasta with butter and a little bit of garlic salt, and he'll eat almost anything for dinner (spaghetti, chicken, rice, steak, green beans, etc.).
- His favorite restaurants are Tres Amigos for tacos and rice, or Outback for grilled chicken, green beans and a ton of bread! He is also crazy about the Bloomin' Onion. :)
- He is coming out of his milk allergy and is able to have a lot of different kinds of food now, including ice cream! He still drinks Almond Milk though.
- He is a size 7 shoe and 24 months or 2T clothes
- He LOVES LOVES LOVES to sing, and pretend that he's leading singing in church. He says, "Hello. Number 10. Blue book." Then he starts singing at the top of his lungs.
- He also loves to pray, and pretend he is giving out the Lord's Supper.
- He has a real passion for music just like his dad. He can't listen to music without dancing. Almost every night before bed, Cash and Colt will get out their guitars and play together. They also play the harmonica. Cash likes to take an old Nintendo controller, and unroll the cord so it looks like a microphone. He holds it up to his mouth and says, "1,2,3,4!" Colt will start playing and Cash sings so loudly. At the end of their song, Cash yells, "THANK YOU, MUCH!!!"
- Cash can count to 14, and may be able to count higher, but last time he counted, he got distracted and stopped at 14.
- He knows a lot of his alphabet and a few signs for different animals.
- He loves animals (especially alligators) and dinosaurs
- He has two fish, Gil and Debbie
- He has a CRAZY memory and can remember things that I don't even remember until he reminds me.
- He has been saying, "OHHH MYYYYY!" a lot lately, and "IT'S COMING," before something exciting to him happens.
- He is SO sweet with Beckett and asks to hold him all the time

Beckett at 6 months
- He is rolling over and moving all over the place now.
- He has mastered holding his pacifier
- We call him Baby Bear, Bear, or Beckett Boy most of the time
- He has had two hair cuts already
- He has been sleeping through the night since about 8 weeks, but has recently been having very restless sleep. I think we are coming out of it though.
- He started off as a very lazy nurser. Cash would nurse very concentrated for 10 minutes on each side at each feeding. Beckett would nurse very slowly for about 3-4 minutes on each side, and fall asleep. It was a struggle at first to get him to concentrate and stay awake. Now, at 6 months, he is more efficient, but still doesn't nurse for very long.
- I'm not sure how much he weighs or how tall he is. I will find out at his next doctors appointment- He wears 6-9 month or 12 month clothes
- He is an extremely happy and content baby, and only cries when he is hungry or has been in his car seat for a really long time.
- He loves to snuggle before bed just like Cash did. He grabs my face or hair and rolls over so his little shoulders are square with mine on our sides, and he snuggles up close to my face so our noses are touching.
- Cash slept in our bed until he was around 9 months old, and Beckett is still sleeping in the pack-n-play in our bedroom now at 6 months.
- He LOVES Cash and laughs out loud at many of the things he does. He kicks his little limbs all over the place in excitement when Cash comes near him.
- He is still predominately breastfeeding but we've added solids and he eats those twice a day now along with the breastfeeding.
- He loves his jumparoo and walker, although he can't walk in it yet.
- He smiles almost all the time and has been enjoying his new trick, spitting!