Growing Pains

Sometimes growing up is hard. Tonight it was hard.

Cash still takes a pacifier at bedtime. Say what you wish about that, but it was only when he was sleeping, and it wasn't hurting anyone, so we let him have it.  Over the past two days, Colt has been working non-stop, and I just so happened to find my self pacifier-less at naptime yesterday. Its difficult to find a pacifier with a one man search and rescue team to scour the whole house and car, but Colt has so much time off with us that its hardly fair to complain. Beckett had his pacifier, but I couldn't find one for Cash anywhere. I told him it was time for his nap and he would have to go to sleep without it. I said, "You are a big boy, and you don't need a pacifier to go to sleep anymore."  Suprisingly, he went to sleep rather easily. He woke up about an hour to an hour and a half later, which is a litte bit earlier than he usually does. He was looking for his pacifier in his bed, and was obviously still tired because he wouldn't open his eyes. I saw him moving around on the monitor so I went in to calm him down so he'd finish his nap. That's when the water works started. I put him in bed with me, but he just cried and cried, a tired, sad little cry.  Eventually he got over it, and got up to play.  He went to bed that night without a pacifier and slept fine through the night.

Today naptime was easy! He went to sleep easily and slept the full, usual two hours. 

Tonight, bedtime was a different story.  I put Beckett to bed, who coincidentally, decided for the first time today that he wasn't going to take a nap. That has NEVER happened. He went the whole day without sleeping, so he conked out when I put him down.  Cash sat on the couch watching Toy Story 3, waiting patiently for me to come out of Beckett's room. He had a snack that I owed him for finishing his dinner, and we walked in his bedroom. We said prayers, talked for a while, and I let him play a game on my phone. Then it was MY time, for the first time all day. I told him I would be out in the living room (he can see me from the foot of his bed) and to go to sleep.  This is all normal, bedtime routine.  The only difference is, Colt isn't coming home tonight (Saturday night).  He is playing a wedding in Marco Island and is meeting us at church tomorrow morning.  Cash looks forward to cuddling, and watching funny YouTube videos with Colt everynight. He laid at the foot of his bed asking for Daddy. After 20 minutes or so, the asking, turned into crying...then begging for me to call him. I thought a phone call might help calm him down. He talked to Colt for a few minutes, and it seemed to be getting worse and worse.  "I want you to come home. You've been working a long day. I want you to stop working." ALL things a Daddy wants to hear while he's out of town and unable to do anything about it.  I wouldn't have subjected Colt to such a guilt trip if I had known that's what Cash was going to say. He usually just says he misses him and asks Colt to come in and check on him when he gets home. Anyway, after that phone call, there was nothing I could do to calm him down. He is learning to try and calm himself down, and lull himself to sleep without the pacifier. There is nothing I can do to help him with that.  He laid there crying, and then I, swimming in all of my pregnancy hormones started crying too. He said, "Why are you crying?" I said, "I'm crying because you're sad. I don't want you to be sad." He said, "I won't make you sad again, I promise." I said, "I love you so so much," as I showered him with kisses. He said, "I love you so much too." It was a pretty pitiful sight.  After we both calmed down some, he started giggling about this or that. He fell asleep about 20 minutes later, head in my neck and arm crossed through mine. Not a bad resolution for me. I love any and every excuse to cuddle and the smell his skin and hair so close to me. Although both my boys really love to cuddle at bedtime.

Its such a small scale compared to some of the things he's likely to face in life but its so sad to witness your child be so desperate for something, or so distraught in facing a new challenge, yet you know he has to figure it out for himself. Sometimes the only thing you can offer is a little extra cuddle time, a showering of kisses, and excessive "I love yous". That seemed to do the trick for this evening.  It may not always be that easy, so I'll take it for tonight.